When Pharaohs Hallucinate
by Angel's Nocturne
Summary: For YGO Fanfiction Contest 4 Klepto YugixBakura When Yami gets sick, he doesn't just get a stuffy nose and sore throat- he also gets high fevers. And with high fevers come hallucinations. And with hallucinations come... well, you'll see. Total crack fi


Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh!. Trust me, if I did, it would probably be half done, half-edited, and totally half-assed… hence why Takahashi-sama did it and not I. XD

Author's Note: Hello again, YGO lovers! I come to you bearing gifts, a.k.a. another fan fiction for the glorious Yu-Gi-Oh! Fanfiction Contest done by Compy-chan. This is the second round, and once again it is yaoi, so if you're a bit squeamish with the boyxboy love then ya better head back—this ain't the place to be. As for the rest of us well… let's get busy. XD

The pairing for this round is **Kleptoshipping** or **Yuugi Mutou **x** Yami Bakura**. Though I would have _loved_ it if my plot bunny for this one was super special awesome and perverted and sexy, it turns out that I already had one in my memory banks that I decided to use. I _was_ going to use the creepy one, but now this brandy-new idea popped into my head and I just _HAD _to use it. Looks like I finally got the crazy and perverted fanfic that I wanted. XD

Enjoy this crazy little idea of a fic!

#2 Author's Note: Thoughts in _italics_.

**When Pharaohs "Hallucinate"**

**By: Angel's Nocturne**

Yami hated being sick.

It wasn't that he was a weakling or anything—he was a perfectly strong individual (and if anyone dared to accuse him otherwise it was at their own risk) and he could handle the most malicious of enemies and the most perilous of dangers. But, as he soon found out, when it came to the infamous influenza virus—

"Yami! You're burning up!"

—he was no match against high fevers and stuffy sinuses.

Yugi was sitting beside him, his eyes reading the numbers on thermometer as Yami lay groaning on the couch. The boy's brow was furrowed. "You're 101.7 F… almost 102 F! _Again_!" He sighed loudly. "This must be the fourth time you caught it this month. I wonder why you can't shake it off."

A low moan answered. Yuugi looked over at his dark half and smoothed the bangs away from his clammy forehead. "Well, I'm sure this'll pass off in a day or two. It kinda figures that Grandpa just _had_ to go on expedition on Thursday and you get sick two days after, but we'll cope just fine."

Yami's throat felt like the desserts of Egypt, but he managed to speak anyways. "Are you sure you can run the store by yourself? I can try to help if you want—"

Yugi interrupted him. "Yami, it's okay. I've watched over the game shop loads of times before you came along. I just want you to rest."

"But some of those boxes are heavy—"

"_Stop. Worrying_." Smiling innocently, Yugi patted Yami on the shoulder for reassurance. "Now, I'm gonna go in the kitchen and make a few phone calls. I told Grandpa I'd call him, and I need to tell him about you. I'll be right back in a few, 'kay?"

Reluctantly, Yami nodded and let the smiling hikari leave the room. Once Yugi was gone he curled up into a ball and pulled the blanket that was folded on the sofa arm onto his shivering form.

Why was it that whenever _he_ got sick, he couldn't just have the sniffles and a slight headache? It seemed that, just like duels and destinies and all that crap, _everything_ had to be grand and exceptional for the ex-Pharaoh. Including illnesses. He thought that, as the great pharaoh of Egypt and savior of the universe as they knew it, he might be allowed a reprieve from mortal woes such as itchy throats and phlegm. But it seemed fate had a sick sense of humor and Yami just happened to be at the butt end of the joke. Groaning, he hugged himself closer, hoping that the virus would finish its course already so he could enjoy the weekend with his aibou.

He could hear Yugi talking adamantly on the phone to who he assumed was Grandpa. Lately, Yami had been noticing a difference around his little hikari—the boy always seemed to be flushed, and whenever they were hanging out with the group his cheeks would turn an especially maddening shade of crimson. He was going out more and more often, and he always said it was "just for a walk", and Yami would agree with him if it wasn't for the fact that Yugi seemed to be going on awfully long walks. The ex-pharaoh decided to shrug it off as nothing, and besides, Yugi said how he wanted a little more independence in life. There was nothing wrong with letting his aibou get out there in the world.

Except that the world had drugs and alcohol and unsafe sex and murderers and rapists and con artists and hookers and sugarless gum… Yami would have continued naming off the evils of the world but his mind felt like it was stuffed with cotton and could go no further. He sighed.

_I can't keep worrying about him like this_, Yami thought. _Yugi's almost eighteen, almost an adult—I have to be able to trust him to make the right decisions. _He pushed himself away from the topic and instead focused on how annoying it was to be sick.

There. That was an easy place to focus all his agitation. As he ranted off in his mind how incredibly aggravating it was to be stuffed up and worn out, he listened to Yugi's voice as the boy whispered on the phone, which was odd since Yugi never whispered (Yugi tended to be very loud with phone calls) and was always very enthusiastic when he spoke to Grandpa.

Yami only pondered on this for about three seconds, before drifting off to an uneasy and very uncomfortable sleep. His eyes closed, and just as darkness began to sweep through his veins and enfold him in its arms, he heard a noise that had him wide awake:

It was giggling. Loud giggling. Lots and lots of it.

His brow furrowed in confusion. What could possibly have Yugi _giggling_ so much?

He opened his eyes and found that a few hours passed already. His brow creased more—he hated those kinds of naps, the ones where you only close your eyes for a second and the whole night flies by. In Yami's case it was now late afternoon, and the sun was streaming in through the windows in an orange haze. But he could've cared less about the time of day, as the sound of the breathless giggles seemed to be coming from somewhere down the hall….

Using as much strength as he had, Yami got onto his feet. Still weak, he swayed where he stood until he found some sort of balance and made his way towards the back of the second floor, where the bedrooms were. As he trudged along he heard the noise grow louder, its source appearing to be from, of all places, the bathroom.

The door was closed, but Yami could see the light coming from underneath. He heard the sound of splashing, and then voices. He recognized Yuugi's, which made his eyebrows rise (why was Yuugi talking to himself in the bathroom?) and it wasn't until he heard the second voice that the hairs on his neck stand on end.

He knew that voice. He'd know that voice even if he his ears had been stuffed with marshmallow fluff—on instinct he charged forward (more like stumbled, but he didn't care) and yanked open the door. _I'll have that thief dead so fast he won't know what hit him!_

"I told you NEVER to come near my—!"

The door had swung open to reveal a naked Yugi… sitting in a bathtub… filled with bubbles… with no sign of the Tomb Robber.

Yugi stared at him from where he sat, a fluff of white and pink bubbles crowned within his spiky hair. His bush-baby eyes blinked once, twice, three times in confusion, before his mouth finally opened uncertainly.

"Yami? Is… something wrong?"

"…."

Before this very moment, Yami had determined that being sick was the number one thing he despised the most. But now, after running in on Yugi's bath screaming bloody murder, he resolved that there was something he hated a hell of a lot more:

Awkward moments.

Yami straightened himself and put his hand against the wall, the adrenaline rush that fueled him thus far giving way to the flu-caused weakness in his limbs. "I… I could've sworn I heard that blasphemous Tomb Robber in here just now." His purple eyes scanned the small room, but to no avail—there wasn't a snow-haired thief in sight, only adding to Yami's growing embarrassment. His gaze went back to his light, who was staring at him very… strangely. "It was him, I know it."

Yugi seemed to have a difficult time forming the words in his mouth, because he didn't speak for a while and when he did, it was slow and very, very careful. "Yami, I'm the only one in here. You couldn't have heard Bakura."

"Then who were you talking to just now?"

"What?"

"I heard you _giggling_," Yami continued. "And whispering."

"Are you sure it wasn't the TV?" Yugi suggested softly. "I think I left it on by accident. Maybe you heard that."

"But… but I swear I heard…." Yami felt his head grow light and the world started to spin under his feet. He paused until it stopped. "Are… are you certain he's not—"

"Ye­_-ah_," Yugi nodded slowly, still looking at Yami like he was either going to topple over or start doing the Macarena. Either way, it was an perturbed look that made Yami feel like he was going crazy. _I know I heard him_, he thought anxiously. _I know I did, I know it, where in Ra's name __**is**__ he…?_ In his ponderings Yugi had already snaked out of the tub and wrapped a towel around himself, and now the boy was putting a hand on his shoulder.

"Yami, are you _sure_ you're okay?" The boy took him by the arm and nudged him (but it felt more like he _dragged _him) out of the bathroom and back down the hall, closing the door swiftly behind him. "Maybe I should check your temperature again, it could've gotten worse."

"But what would that have to do with this?" Yami asked as the hikari led him to the couch and helped him back under the blankets.

"Well, one of the symptoms of a high fever is possible hallucinations," Yugi said, his eyes wandering back to the hallway for a mere second, before bringing all their attention to him again. "It might make you see things that aren't really there and stuff."

"So you're thinking that I imagined hearing the thief in the bathroom."

"Maybe." Yugi shrugged. He adjusted the towel along his waist as he said, "Anyways, I'm gonna get you some water to take your medicine. And then I'll make you some chicken noodle soup—how does that sound?" Yami nodded eagerly to that—even when he wasn't sick, he loved to have those new modern meals that came out of cans. Though they were a pain in the ass to remove from the cylinder (curse all can openers, the second greatest evil next to toasters), they were easy to make and quite tasty. Yugi responded to the nod and headed off towards the kitchen to get him a glass.

_Ah_. Yami laid back in his bed and stared at the ceiling. _So that's what those are… hallucinations_. Having them suddenly identified made Yami feel quite relieved—ever since he started getting fevers, he thought the diseases were starting to cook his brain. The very first time he had a high-grade temperature (he couldn't recall the exact number, only that Grandpa said he nearly had a stroke when he saw the digits), he remembered seeing a pink bunny that ran around with a machete and spewed green liquid from its ears. For a good part of that ungodly evening he had wondered if maybe he was going to die, since it didn't seem normal to see animals in unnatural colors spin around with sharp objects, and after he was well he chose not to tell Yugi about it since it didn't seem proper to talk about such things.

And he despised awkward moments, which that certainly would have produced.

He sighed heavily, letting his eyes relax and his eyelids droop. _Maybe Yugi's_ _right_, he reasoned. _Perhaps I did imagine the Tomb Robber's voice. _It wouldn't be any worse than seeing a murderous pink bunny.

For some reason, though, he was still left slightly unsatisfied with the explanation, but he decided to stifle down his wanting to question it as he took the medicine Yugi gave him and swiftly went back to taking a nap.

It wasn't until a little later that Yugi shook him gently awake, and gave him a bowl of chicken soup like he promised. Surprised at how promptly the wafting smell of soup made his mouth water, Yami waited with limited patience as the hot liquid cooled and he was able to consume it. It wasn't until he was near done with it that he noticed an odd odor coming from the kitchen, and it took a few moments of sniffing for him to roughly identify what it was.

"Aibou!" he yelled out. The other came out of the kitchen.

"Yeah, Yami?"

"Are you cooking meat?" Yami took in a few more sniffs, just to confirm it. "Or steak?" He could see his hikari fumbled suddenly with his hands.

"Uh… yeah…," Yugi admitted slowly. "Yeah, I… I felt like having some steak tonight."

Yami frowned. "But I don't remember buying steak at the store. Where did you get—"

"I went out while you were sleeping," Yugi answered quickly. He smiled, but it was the kind of smile that seemed too big and too forced. "Do you want some?"

The thought of red meat wasn't exactly enticing at that moment, especially not with how weirdly his aibou was acting… and now that he thought about it, didn't Yugi tell him once about how much he didn't like steak? Yami shook his head. "Thank you, but I don't think I would. My stomach doesn't feel up to it."

"That's okay," Yugi replied. "Just more for me and—yeah, more for me." Yugi smiled wider and now Yami was seriously wondering if this was another hallucination. Yugi _never_ smiled that largely… he only did that when he was trying to look as innocent as possible, and Yami didn't bother trying to decipher why Yugi seemed to be fidgeting around so much. Plus, he could feel another awkward moment coming on, so he shooed all other thought away and just decided that nothing was worth bothering with until he felt better, and that was final.

Yugi seemed to sense the awkwardness too and rushed over. "Are you done with that?" Yugi asked, pointing to the now-empty bowl. Yami barely had a chance to answer before Yugi snatched up the bowl, and just as the boy was heading off on his way Yami couldn't stop himself.

"Yugi…?"

The boy turned around. "Yeah?"

"… Never mind." He waved his hikari off. "It's nothing."

Yugi nodded. "Okay." He hurried back into the kitchen, leaving Yami to rest his chin in his hands as he stared at where his aibou had been.

He rubbed his eyes. Having hallucinations about voices was fine, but now hickies? He rubbed his eyes some more.

He must have had a very high temperature indeed.

Then again, if that was what he experienced with a high temperature….

"Uuugghhh, oh, oh, _oooohhhhh_, oh God…!"

… then he didn't want to know how high it was later that night.

After he finished eating Yugi had insisted on sending him to his bedroom to get as much sleep as possible for a quick recovery. Now Yami lay on his back, staring in the pitch darkness at the ceiling, as he listened to what he thought was probably something close to the sounds he heard when Jonouchi played porn tapes on their VCR.

Only this was much, much, worse.

"Aaah, ooh, oh, oh—oh yes, yes, yeah _that's_ it!... oh—oh—oh—ohhhhhh—omigod harder, _harder_…!"

_This is only a hallucination_, Yami told himself. He gripped the edge of his blankets tighter as he heard the sound of bed springs creak in repeated rhythm, the voices getting more… enthusiastic.

"Ah—yes—yes—yes, right there—keep going—don't stop…!"

He could have sworn it even sounded like Yugi.

"Oh…. Oh—oh…. Huh… huh… AH!"

He was really grossed out by that realization.

"Oh—oh—oh—oh—_oh—oh—oh—oh—OH GOD!"_

At some points he had to ask himself, "Ra, what did I do _wrong?_"

…

The only answer he received was the sound of gasping and small, high-pitched pants that might have been "Yes!" or "No!" or maybe just more utterings of "OH!".

Yami clamped the pillow over his head in hopes of smothering himself.

Unfortunately it didn't muffle the sounds any more than it stifled his breathing, and Yami knew it wouldn't—this was all in his head, right? He wasn't going to get rid of it by simply covering his ears, so he removed the pillow and tried not to think of it instead.

_This is just a hallucination._

"Oh—oh—oh—_oh_—"

_Just a hallucination._

"_Oh—oh—oh—OH!—"_

_Just. A. Hallucination._

"_Oh oh oh oh ah-ah-ah-ah-AH-AAH—!"_

And then all of a sudden it just **stopped**. Yami held his breath, listening to the silence… and that's what it was: silence. For once that entire hour there was nothing to listen to but the sounds of a quiet, peaceful night, and Yami felt himself sink into the bed in relief.

_Oh, thank you Ra and Osiris and Isis. Thank all Gods it's over—_

And then he heard the one voice he never wanted to hear, croon the one thing he _never_, _EVER_ wanted to hear again—

"So now…do you want to try it with fingers or just with my—"

o.o

_AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!_

Before you could even say "Trojan" Yami was out of his bedroom and racing towards Yugi's room, ready to rip the door open and grab that wretched thief before he could even _think_ of straddling his precious hikari.

_I knew it wasn't a hallucination, I knew it was real, I knew it was real, I knew it, I knew it I KNEW IT!_

"THAT'S IT!" He grabbed the door knob and, without even knocking, wrenched the door open with such force it could have been pulled off its hinges. _I knew it, I knew it, I __knew__ it. _"GET **OFF** MY HIKARI OR I'LL—"

He looked inside, and came eye to eye with his innocent light—

" HURT… you…."

—who was sitting in front of his computer, watching something that did _not_ look like PG-13 material (or R… or NC-17, for that matter), with his hand on the volume control as the room grew completely, _utterly_ silent.

And awkward. Very, very _awkward_.

Yami blinked. "Um…." He cleared his throat. "Shouldn't, um, you be in bed right about now?"

Yugi blinked back, not moving. "Yeah, I guess."

"You shouldn't be watching that, should you?"

"… No."

Yami nodded. "Oh—Okay then." He took one good glance around—no Thief King in sight—and then cleared his throat once more for good measure. "Um, well… see you in the morning."

"Okay. Good night, Yami."

"Good night aibou." And with that, he closed the door and went back to his room.

He was better off when he imagined pink bunnies.

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

When the morning finally did arrive, Yami warily opened his eyes and took in the morning sun that filled the room and how nice and refreshed he felt. Slowly he rose up to a sitting position and stretched his arms up over his head, feeling ten times better than he had yesterday.

_The virus must have run its course_, he thought as he took in a deep inhale through a clear, not-stuffy nose. _Well, at least that means no more hallucinations_. With a small, cheerful smile, he hopped out of bed and started his way towards the kitchen.

With his nose now completely clear he was well aware of the breakfast that must have been waiting for him on the table. On the weekends, Yugi tended to wake up a little bit earlier than he did and as a treat he always prepared a huge and delicious meal of pancakes and bacon and sometimes eggs. Just at the lightest whiff of it, Yami's mouth watered and his stomach growled in anticipation.

He turned the corner, and just as he was about to say a cheerful hello to Yugi, who was usually already in the kitchen he looked to see if there was food already on the table—

—and met with cold brown eyes framed by a pale face and white hair.

Yami stopped and stared. Directly in front of him, no more than three feet or so away, sat the Tomb Robber dressed only in a pair of black boxers and taking a huge bite of what looked like raw meat. He realized to his horror that it was barely cooked steak strips.

The Thief stared at him.

Yami stared back.

In all the five seconds it took for Yami to see this and process the information, Yugi was now coming towards him from the other end of the hall. The boy smiled, but before Yugi could even say good morning, however, Yami had already turned on his heel and was heading back to his bedroom.

The smile fell off Yugi's face. "Yami? Where are you going?"

"Back to bed," Yami said. "I think I still have a fever." And with that, he disappeared into his bedroom and closed the door behind him.

For a good solid minute Yugi and Bakura stared at the space where Yami had once stood, not saying anything. The uneasy quiet probably would have continued if it wasn't for the gagged chuckles that started to escape from between Bakura's blood-stained lips.

Yugi gave his lover a chiding look. "Do you _have_ to laugh every time this happens?"

This only made the thief chuckle more, which was an odd sound as he balanced it with swallowing his half-chewed chunk of steak. "I'm the King of Thieves," Yami no Bakura said bluntly. "And he's my nemesis. And he's being tortured into losing his mind. So, yes, I _must_ laugh at his misfortune." A feral grin spread across his face, accentuated by the animal blood that lightly coated his lips. "It would be blasphemous of me _not_ to."

Yugi rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah." He walked his way over to Bakura as the thief slid his arms around the smaller's waist, bringing him closer. "But you know, I _really_ hate lying to him like that."

"So then tell him the truth," Bakura replied. His hands, which were only resting above Yugi's hips, were now sliding their way back and down until they could cup Yugi's ass. The other blushed hotly and pulled the hands away, but only slightly, and this made Bakura's grin even wider.

"You know I want to," Yugi insisted. "It's too hard trying to keep up a lie."

Bakura snorted. "_You_ find it hard? All you have to do is speak with a straight face, little one—_I_, on the other hand, have to hold my breath and sneak under beds before anyone can see me."

Yugi continued on, trying not to laugh. "But you also know how he'd feel about it, if I told him about… us." He didn't know why but talking about their relationship as if they were one entity… it made him shudder. And not in an unpleasant way, either.

The thief shrugged nonchalantly. "I know that's he'll hunt me down and have me maimed in every way his noble little mind sees fit," Bakura answered. "But frankly, I'm used to that, so I see no harm in doing so."

"Yeah, but he'll also never want me to see you again," Yugi said, pouting. Bakura nodded, rubbing his chin in a scholarly manner.

"Hmm, good point," Bakura agreed. "Maybe you shouldn't tell him."

"But that just brings us right back in a circle."

"Yes, and it's quite pointless to argue about it," Bakura said. He reached up and gripped Yugi's chin lightly, drawing the boy's face down to meet his. "I believe our energies would be better spent doing things that we both enjoy, now don't you?"

The feel of the thief's hot breath on his face, and the soft but firm touch of his hand brought a shiver up Yugi's spine, though it was barely a tingle compared to the jolt that he got when Bakura's lips met his own. Bakura's tongue, like a slithering viper, zipped its way into Yugi's mouth before the boy could even register what was going on, and he sank into strong arms as the thief started running his fingers through spiky locks. Yugi became so lost in the sensations that he barely noticed the footsteps approaching the kitchen, and had hardly any time to hear whatever it was Yami was saying.

The ex-pharaoh just entered the room in time to see his small, innocent, not-an-evil-thought-in-his-head hikari locked in a kiss with his arch enemy.

He also had just enough time to think one thing before he fainted and fell on the floor:

That he really, really _really_ hated being sick.

xXxxxxxxxxxxxxxXx

Author's Note: Yes! Hooray! DONE! (passes out with Yami from exhaustion)

Well, this was a completely random bunny that just _popped_ out of nowhere, so if it's not that good that's why. It seems so strange—all of my really good fics involve some sort abuse towards poor Yami (huggles him). Ah, well. I hope you all find it at least somewhat humorous.

Cookies and hugz to all that read. More cookies and hugz to all that read AND _review_!

See y'all later!


End file.
